What you believe is one thing, what you live on a daily basis takes things to another level. The culture of Jehovah’s Witnesses is often the most damaging part of the abuse carried out by the cult. It is where the rubber meets the road, where application is made, and where you are playing out the damage, sometimes even going beyond the doctrine itself while carrying it out.
So now I’m going to discuss the cult using the models that are often found in abusive relationships of any type. First let’s dive into the F.O.G. – fear, obligation, and guilt. If you can get people into the fog, they tend to find it hard to ever see their way out. I’ll take this one by one and break down how Jehovah’s Witnesses use the fog against their members.
Fear
So let’s start with F, the fear. I’ve previously discussed the fear of demons, and obviously that’s one pretty big fear. Another fear what almosts amounts to the paranoia that you are constantly being watched. Jehovah is watching you and judging your every move. Not only that, but he can read your heart and innermost thoughts. So you are openly exposed at all times. Satan is watching you too, “roving about like a roaring lion seeking to devour someone” as they like to quote from scripture. Now according to their beliefs, he can’t read your thoughts but he is watching your actions and always studying you, looking for a vulnerability in your spiritual armor to exploit. Also, every time you go knocking on doors, to the grocery, school, work, or anywhere in the world, people are watching you. And we were told that someone likely has seen us before and knows that we are one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. So we were asked – are you being a good ambassador for Jehovah? Could whatever you’re doing right now bring reproach upon Jehovah’s name? You have to watch everything you do in front of anyone in the world around you so that you don’t potentially stumble someone from listening to Jehovah as a representative of him. Members of the congregation are watching you too, making sure that you stay in line. Your family is watching you. And of course probably the most damaging of all, you are watching you. The relentless internal struggle can be worse than anything, because you can never get away from the thoughts and feelings implanted in you by this controlling organization.
So this gets us to crime and punishment and the congregation. What if you do slip up? What’s going to happen? Well it depends on who finds out and how bad it was. Having sex with someone’s wife is different than getting caught watching porn or a movie with some sex scenes in it. So there’s a spectrum. Whatever happened will be reported to the elders, through which everything in life has to be funneled. You will then be talked to by two elders, usually after a meeting, in a private room in the back of the Kingdom Hall. It’s never a good feeling when someone comes up to you and says, “Hey could you come back here? We would like to talk to you about something.” It doesn’t matter how big or how small, it’s just never a good feeling. I guess it’s kind of reminiscent of going to the principal’s office. They’re not usually calling you back to tell you how great you are.
When you go back into this room, it’s usually going to be a fact finding mission. A preliminary investigation of sorts. It might be that what you did was a minor offense and you’ll just receive some counsel right then and there. They’ll read some scriptures and make a big deal out of a minor offense. They will tell you to do better and talk about how you’ve disappointed Jehovah. If it’s major, there may be more meetings with those same elders, and you could be reproved. This can be done either publicly or privately. Private reproof means that there’s no announcement made to the congregation through a talk but maybe you won’t be allowed to do something anymore for a time, like raise your hand and comment at the meetings, or give a talk from the platform, or even go out door to door. That is odd because they see going door to door as a public ministry work, part of a life saving biblical mandate. Yet somehow they get to take that away. So they say that God has commanded that you go do this, but if you upset the wrong person in the organization, they can actually take that right, that command, that responsibility away from you which is something that never really made sense to me.
Now rest assured that although this reproof may be private, people are still watching you like I mentioned earlier. So others will notice that you’re not commenting. Or they may say,”I haven’t seen them give a talk in a while. I don’t see them at the meetings for field service.” People will be talking and somebody is probably going to know something about you. Jehovah’s Witnesses are kings and queens of gossip, as could be expected from such a small and tight community where there is little else to talk about. So that privacy is often merely an illusion.
Public reproof usually happens if someone in the congregation knows about what you had done and it was out already for public consideration. So they have to make more of a public spectacle out of you. They have to let other people know that they’re aware and dealing with you. So in addition to whatever limitations in the congregation they might also give a talk about avoiding whatever it was that you fell into. Then people will be able to surmise what you did. What an awful thing to do to another human being, to publicly shame them for something that was none of anyone else’s business in the first place.
If what you did was serious enough you will then be put before a judicial committee. If you remember, Jehovah’s Witnesses have their own judicial process. So three elders will determine your fate. You are asked super detailed questions about whatever it was you did. About everything. They want all of the details. From what I’ve heard, if it was something sexual they want all of the details. Who did what? How many times? Did anyone enjoy it? Did someone climax? What happened? Who initiated? They ask every detail so they can determine if you were really repentant, or sorry for what you had done, because everything hangs on your repentance. You’re being asked to prove to these men that you are truly sorry. Were you just caught up in a moment of passion, or was it something planned? There are so many of these stories out publicly now. I think that as much as it is these men trying to figure out if you’re repentant, it is equally dirty old men getting off on the details and the power they have to make you squirm. It’s a sexually repressed culture and it’s really very creepy. These personal interrogations can rightly be deemed sexual abuse in themselves.
Now again remember this doesn’t have to be a sexual thing, though let’s face it, in this community of Jehovah’s Witnesses that’s often what it is. It could be something like lying or stealing. There could have been violence. Maybe somebody was caught out and was drunk and other people saw it. Anything that they deem to be a sin can end up with your fate resting in the hands of three men that you have to go before and plead your case. If they find you repentant, you may be subject to private or public reproof depending on who knows what. If you’re found unrepentant you will be disfellowshipped. And when you are disfellowshipped, they will read your name at the next meeting to announce that “Brother or Sister Smith is no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.” Then the shunning will start immediately following that announcement. People that spoke to you before the meeting that day will not speak to you after the meeting. And we’re talking absolute shunning here. You are dead to them. They are not to even say a greeting to you, even if they’re your son, your daughter, your mom, your dad, your husband, your wife, they are not to even utter a greeting to you. Family shuns family. Even if you’re in the same home, there’s going to be some degree of shunning. If it is your husband or wife, you’re usually not supposed to have any spiritual conversations because they don’t want that disfellowshipped person to negatively influence the “spirituality” of the person who’s still in.
The only real reason that Witnesses are ever really supposed to talk to you if you’re disfellowshipped is in the case of what’s called “necessary family business”. This is a term that they’ve coined so exactly what that means is left to some degree of interpretation. Essentially they just don’t want you to talk to that other person, but there might be some reason you need to. For many of the Jehovah’s Witnesses that I’ve known, what that actually means is that the Jehovah’s Witness family member can come to you, the disfellowshipped person, if they need help for whatever reason. So that would be deemed “necessary family business”. But of course if you need something from them, they’re not going to help you. For example, if the disfellowshipped person were to become homeless, it is a one way street as far as who gets to determine what necessary family business is and if it applies.
However, there are often times when the Jehovah’s Witness might need some money, so they will go to the disfellowshipped person and ask for money. Or maybe they need a job, or there is something legally that they need help with. They might go and ask the disfellowshipped person for those things. But when the disfellowshipped person ends up homeless and asks the witness for something it will be seen as though you brought that on yourself. You never should have left “the truth”. You’re in Satan’s system of things now, and whatever happens to you happens. They’re going to kind of hope that you, as this disfellowshipped person, hit rock bottom because if you do, then they’re hoping that you’ll come crawling back.
So you’ve been disfellowshipped and you want to come back and be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses again, what does that look like? Now I’ll explain the process for reinstatement within the organization. We all know the prodigal son story in the Bible. The son goes out, acts out, does some bad things, comes back home, and his dad immediately runs out to greet him. The father accepted him back simply because he returned. But not here. Not in the cult of Jehovah’s Witnesses. You must come back, meet with the elders, and then do whatever they say. A person has to come back to the meetings, and attend all of them, and they will watch that person and make a note of their attendance. When you arrive you should get there right when it starts. That way you don’t make everybody else uncomfortable with your disfellowshipped presence and they don’t have to shun you as hard. Then you’re going to sit back in the back row. That way nobody has to see you. And when the meeting is over you are to leave immediately, obviously speaking to nobody. Usually you’re going to have to do this along with meeting with the elders and writing them letters begging for reinstatement that they’ll usually deny at first for at least six months. It’s often a year or more even if you do what they want. They want to humiliate you, to dominate you, to make you absolutely grovel for forgiveness. They will eventually announce that “Brother or Sister Smith has been reinstated and is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses” and the shunning ends as suddenly as it started.
So can you see why this fear looms daily over Jehovah’s Witnesses? You had better not slip up. Oh and you see this play out around you, which makes it so real. You get accustomed to watching people disappear and never come back. They also like to tell stories about how you can’t hide from what you’ve done. For instance there was this one brother that was doing something wrong. I don’t remember now what they said he was doing but according to the story that circulated, while he was giving a talk from the platform he broke down and he admitted his secret sins. The story goes that God’s Spirit had worked on him to make him confess in front of everyone to keep the congregation clean. They want you to know that it is going to come out one way or another and that you cannot hide, you will be found out if you sin.
If that’s not bad enough, we were constantly told stories of how world situations could change on a dime and threaten us personally. There are countries like Russia where Jehovah’s Witnesses have been banned. In some of those cases persecution occurs. There was a big ordeal in Malawi in the 70s or 80s and Jehovah’s Witnesses were displaced from their homes, they were raped, they were killed, and very much mistreated. It was all because of their stand as Jehovah’s Witnesses.
If a country bans JWs they will continue to do whatever they do underground and if caught they may be jailed or worse. Jehovah’s witnesses refuse military service even in countries where that’s mandatory, even when they’re imprisoned in those countries. In the United States where military service isn’t mandatory, they would tell us all about how that could change any day now. They’re always harping on that fear it could change. They love to promote fear and a persecution complex. It could come any day now and you have to be ready to give up everything, even your life. The Nazi persecution of Jehovah’s Witnesses was often used as just one example. They were scaring little children into believing that they might have to lose mommy or daddy some time and go be faithful little Jehovah’s Witnesses on their own in a concentration camp somewhere. Children should be playing, not having fear of being thrown into concentration camps drilled into their heads.
And of course as I’ve already mentioned there is the impending Great Tribulation which will come in our lifetime during which all religion is destroyed and Jehovah’s Witnesses will have to shine and stand out and be persecuted. After that comes Armageddon which is depicted in horrificly detailed illustrations throughout their publications. From the time you’re a child you are shown these horrible things that will occur when fire and brimstone comes down from the heavens to kill everyone on earth but you. You are supposed to stand tall during this time knowing that your deliverance is here. I don’t know about you but if you can stand tall and proud while everyone around you is being slaughtered then you are a psychopath. They try to deaden your normal human feelings though and honestly they do a very good job of it. Armageddon is always coming “tomorrow”, just around the corner. They like to talk about how you wouldn’t want to slip up today and do something you’d regret because if Armageddon came tomorrow it’s over. You can be a faithful servant for decades and do all the right things, but if your imperfection shines through one time on the day of Armageddon you will be destroyed forever. It only takes one slip up to destroy everything you’ve worked hard and sacrificed for.
So fear rules Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Obligation
Now let’s discuss O for Obligation as I mentioned before in the FOG. Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that they have “The Truth”. That means by default that everything else is false and from Satan, so your obligation is to do whatever they deem necessary for survival through Armageddon. To be counted as righteous, Jehovah’s Witnesses aren’t supposed to go to weddings or funerals that take place in churches. Those are houses of false worship. Their obligation is to the organization that they’re a part of. As the Scriptures say, “for what fellowship does the light have with darkness”. If you want to freak one of Jehovah’s Witnesses out when they come to your door, ask them to pray with you or take some of your religious literature. They hate that. They don’t believe that you’re praying to the true God, and they can’t mix themselves up with you and your worship. Although of course it’s OK for them to come to your door and offer you their literature, they’re not going to take yours, if they do they’re just going to throw it away. Then again of course let’s admit – what is it you did when I left the Watchtower and Awake with you? You probably threw it away too, so I guess I can’t really blame you. But our obligation was to our faith and ours alone, so we would not mix with yours whatsoever.
When I was a kid my grandpa had a solid gold antique Hamilton pocket watch that had a gold chain and a gold knife. He had promised that to me when I graduated from high school. Unfortunately he died before I reached that age. So my parents kept the watch for me in their top dresser drawer. I loved that watch. I loved what it stood for, loved that it was my grandpa’s. I would go pull it out of its little velvet pouch and just look at it, open the knife, wind it, watch it run. The day finally came when I earned that watch by graduating high school. When I went to get it, the watch was gone. I immediately went and asked my mom where it went. She told me a story that she found amusing and that I didn’t so much and still don’t. She told me that one day she thought it had a false religious symbol on it. I don’t know what it could have been. Maybe it was a cross or something. Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in the cross. She never specified what it was. She thought it had a false religious symbol on it. So she grabbed the watch and she threw it in the front yard. Isn’t that what any rational person would do? Obviously that is sarcasm. She later realized that she was wrong and went out to get it, but it wasn’t there. Imagine that. I’ll just leave it there. I’m not going to elaborate on it much more because I can’t do so without getting a little hateful. But that is how deep the ingrained notion is that you have to stay away from anything that could be deemed false religion. If you think something might have a false religious symbol on it you better throw it out immediately or destroy it.
In fact I remember that there were people who would be criticized for having fleur de lis. So we had some friends who had curtain rods and at the end the knobs were fleur de lis. Apparently that was seen as a fertility symbol in some cultures. These people would get criticized because someone came over to their house and noticed they had a fleur de lis at the end of their curtain rod. That’s how petty and stupid it gets, that people are judging and criticizing over curtain rod decorations.
So we were obligated to stick with what we saw to be true worship only. Here are some other obligations. There was strong pressure to be at every meeting. Children had nothing to do at the meetings but were obligated to sit there and sit still and quiet for two hours and be bored. All Jehovah’s Witnesses are obligated to abstain from blood transfusions. Basically they take a few verses in the Bible that were about specific situations in Bible times and made modern day laws about blood transfusions. Even children are obligated to know this doctrine and how to explain it. If you should ever need a transfusion as a child you might have to explain to doctors or a judge why you cannot take one. This is serious business. Many people die because of this refusal. Children and adults alike, especially pregnant women. There is a lot of risk there and at times blood is needed and if they refuse, both they and the baby may die. All Jehovah’s Witnesses carry a card in their wallet that acts as a legal document and that says in real big letters, “No Blood”. If they can’t speak for themselves in the case of an emergency this legal document essentially speaks for them. It is one of the most despicable and dangerous doctrines that they teach. In fact they have a Hospital Liaison Committee or HLC, a group of brothers that visits Jehovah’s Witnesses in the hospital to help them, or to watch over them to make sure that they don’t give in and take blood. If they do, they find out so that they can disfellowship that person. Actually, I believe that this is seen as an automatic disassociation. It’s an interesting concept that we’ll talk about more later but for the purposes of this subject let’s just say that if a person does something like take blood to save their life or maybe join in military service that is mandatory in some country; something like that would make Jehovah’s Witnesses look bad if they disfellowshipped a person. Or if there’s a pregnant woman in labor and she needs a blood transfusion, and she takes one to save herself and her baby. If she’s disfellowshipped for that, it is going to look awful to any outsider that she was punished. Of course it’s going to look horrific and it is horrific. And they know that. So what they say is that the person has taken it upon themselves to disassociate by that action. That way they can save a little face as an organization and put all the blame on that person for what they did, saying that they chose to leave rather than that they were expelled, blaming the victim of their despicable ways.
Anyone that takes blood is seen as being bloodguilty. This is an actual term used often in the cult, bloodguilt. One can also be guilty by not preaching to someone. Shrinking back from taking an opportunity to witness to them and thus withholding, as it were, the opportunity for everlasting life would make one bloodguilty. Also if your car was in disrepair and you were in a wreck and hurt or killed someone you could be bloodguilty. In a case like taking literal blood through a transfusion to save your life, you would be kicked out of the organization and shunned. But in other cases like shrinking back from witnessing to somebody because you were not comfortable in doing so at the moment, it will be strictly between you and Jehovah as to whether or not he ultimately condemns you. But either way you’re always at the mercy of someone else. There’s always this obligation and you’re trying not to be guilty of shirking that responsibility.
Jehovah’s Witnesses are also to engage in what is called “theocratic warfare”. Again, this is an actual term. If it is necessary to lie to protect the organization you are obligated to do so. Yes it happens.
Here’s another fun term, “new light”. So basically whenever Jehovah’s Witnesses find out that they are wrong about something, rather than admitting they were wrong, they come out with an article featuring “new light”, a new explanation of something that is to be adopted immediately. As they claim, the light gets brighter as we go throughout the end of this system of things towards Armageddon. Jehovah opens their eyes to more and more truth, and “The Truth” gets even truthier. And when they have to change some doctrine, often some place where they predicted something that didn’t come true and they look stupid, it becomes new light. Jehovah’s Witnesses are obligated to accept new light. Whatever they believed yesterday must change today even if they don’t understand it completely. If they don’t, they clearly don’t trust Jehovah’s organization and maybe they should be shunned if they don’t shut up and keep their doubts to themselves. You must keep up with “present truth”, as they call it. Then again, this present truth is also subject to change. But if you don’t keep up with it, and if anyone knows that you disagree with it, then you can be labeled an apostate and you can be disfellowshipped and kicked out for what you believed yesterday. That’s pretty high stakes for truth that is subject to change.
When natural disasters strike, Jehovah’s Witnesses are obligated to try to help if they can. But they really only help their own members. The organization will send relief teams in with food and water, clothes, even volunteers and supplies to help rebuild homes. Of course they are always going to go rebuild the Kingdom Hall if that was destroyed first. And it’s all volunteer too. So where’s the obligation, you may ask. Well after they help their brothers and sisters, something that a lot of people don’t know is that they send in teams to speak to the affected brothers and sisters to strongly encourage them to turn over their insurance checks to the organization that just helped them. You see, the organization benefits monetarily. They use free volunteer labor, brothers and sisters that put up their own money, their own tools and skill, on their own time, to go into these affected areas so that they can help out the local brothers and sisters. And then on the back end, the organization swoops in and says “hey we just helped you out”. “We” being all of those volunteers of course, but whatever, we just helped you out. Don’t you think maybe you ought to hand over that check? So you can see where the sense of obligation comes in.
Now they do help people that aren’t Jehovah’s Witnesses on occasion, but usually that’s only if they are what I would call it Witness adjacent. In other words, maybe they live next door to Jehovah’s Witnesses and they hope that by helping them, maybe they can convert them. Or maybe it’s a person they haven’t seen at the meetings in a while, or a relative of a prominent JW family. There’s almost always an ulterior motive. And we’re talking about disasters here. Jehovah’s Witnesses have no obligation to help on a daily basis in any other way. They do nothing but their preaching work for charity. That is their charity. That’s what they see as the ultimate assistance. There’s no feed the homeless program, there’s nothing to clothe the needy and there’s certainly no program to provide Christmas presents to poor kids.
You’ll find that a lot of Jehovah’s Witnesses work for other Jehovah’s Witnesses. There are lots of service based business owners in the organization as well as a lot of people that fall into various MLM schemes. Now there’s no doctrine that says that they have to be working for one another, but there’s a huge culture of it. People look to their other brothers and sisters for work. It often ends poorly with the workers wanting to take advantage of the Witness that own the business with an expectation that they’ll be taken care of financially and be given preferential treatment. And then there are a lot of Jehovah’s Witness business owners that pay really low wages and treat their employees poorly. I’ve seen both sides personally. In the end though, Witnesses are not allowed to sue one another. That is actual doctrine, and as a result, many dirty deals are made. This all gets back to the “keeping up of appearances”, which is yet another obligation. We had to make sure that Jehovah’s organization looked pure and clean and it was never to look bad to the world outside. You’ve got to keep that name shined up and sparkling.
When I was around 17 years old, I was in high school for electronics. I hustled up some of my own work on the side and was fixing TVs and microwaves and such. One of the brothers in the congregation had a broken VCR, so he came to me and asked if I could fix it. Of course he wanted a deal. You know that is going to happen in that kind of a situation. But on the other hand he said that if I couldn’t fix it it wasn’t like it was a huge issue. It was broken, so he would just buy a new one. But if I could fix it, and fix it cheap, that would be great. So I took it to my little workshop at my grandparent’s house and got to work on it. Ultimately I replaced the belt, and I did some other work on it. I put money into it but it just wouldn’t work right. I couldn’t fix it. It was beyond my expertise at the time. When my parents found out they were super upset with me. I mean how dare I take this broken VCR and tell the brother at the Kingdom Hall that it was still broken. They made me go buy him a brand new VCR with my own money and give it to him. Although he was happy with that outcome, I could tell that he kind of thought was strange. And they took my car away for a month as punishment. I learned not to do work for people at the Kingdom Hall anymore. After all, I was working for minimum wage and couldn’t afford the risk on every piece of equipment. That was greater than what I could have ever actually made by fixing it. So I had to make my parents look good in the organization.
Another obligation a lot of people on the outside don’t know about is that of turning in a field service report every month. Every time a Witness is talking to an unbeliever they are watching the clock and trying to figure out how long it took. They tally up that time and write it on a report that they must turn in each month to show that they’re regular in their public witnessing work. You can’t be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses if you don’t actively witness. If you fail to go out preaching for even one month, you are deemed irregular and the elders might want to meet with you. After six months you’re deemed inactive. These are their terms, irregular and inactive. They keep these reports on you forever. The organization loves numbers. They compile them to show what they’ve done. How many hours you were out knocking on doors, your report of how many magazines you left with people, how many times you went back on someone that had taken literature and spoke to them. That last part is called a return visit. If you can get somebody to study regularly with you out of one of their books designed to help convert people you would write that information down as well, giving the organization information about who you were studying with.
And now for the big one. This is the biggest obligation – dedication and baptism. This is when everything gets real. The pressure to get baptized, particularly for kids, is huge. Jehovah’s Witnesses like to brag that they don’t sprinkle infants into the church like Catholics do and they mock them for it. After all, how much can a baby understand what’s going on? They don’t even know what they’re doing. It’s not like they made a choice to get sprinkled. On the other hand, Jehovah’s Witnesses exert great pressure on their own kids. They promote stories of eight year old kids getting baptized and what a great example they are for the young ones. Eight year olds aren’t well known for their decision making capabilities. If left to their own choice, they would eat cake for breakfast, cookies for lunch, and pie for dinner, with ice cream for dessert. That’s because they’re children. So Jehovah’s Witnesses may not baptize infants, but it’s not like they’re setting the bar high. Jesus was 30 when he got baptized and he was the perfect Son of God according to them. If you aren’t baptized by your mid-teens people will start questioning your spirituality. if you aren’t dunked in a pool to symbolize your dedication to the organization by your late teens, people start labeling you as “bad association” for their own kids and start avoiding you. At some point, there’s something called “the age of accountability” that comes into play. There’s no set age. But if you’re old enough to understand the doctrine then you’re old enough to be accountable to God and the organization. In other words you might as well get baptized because Jehovah sees you as seriously as if you were anyway and you’ll still be punished by him if you sin and never get baptized, knowing “The Truth” but not living it.
Baptism is where Jehovah’s Witnesses really get their claws into you. They give talks about how baptism is actually for your protection. God will give you his spirit to help you not fall into temptation. What really happens is that once you are baptized they can now use the threat of disfellowshipping and shunning against you. Before then, they can’t do so. So it’s all a power move and a very effective one. Once you’re baptized all obligations are in play.
Guilt
Now we’re going to talk about the G in the FOG. Guilt is the thought that I did a bad thing. Shame is the feeling that I am a bad person. When standards of performance are as high as Jehovah’s Witnesses impose upon their members, guilt often becomes shame. So “I did a bad thing” easily becomes “I’m a bad person”.
First let’s explain that Jehovah’s Witnesses moralize everything. Human imperfections or predilections are seen as though you sat down and decided to choose them. I also want you to realize that Jehovah’s Witnesses have things that they see as black and white laws and other things that are principles. Here’s another witness term, “conscience matters”. That is basically when they allow you to use your own conscience rather than making a rule about something. If that does’t scream cult, I don’t know what does. They will tell you when you can think for yourself and when you cannot. For instance having any sexual contact with someone that you aren’t married to is wrong. Watching a movie that has some sexual content in it is a matter of conscience as to how much is too much, whether it’s on screen or inferred, if nudity was involved or not. But they’re going to still let you know that you should feel guilty for seeing any such content, making you doubt your values as a person. They like to make rules without specifically making rules. Where they can’t make direct rules without feeling like they are overstepping, they instead indirectly make you feel like a terrible person by telling you how they think you should think or act as though they were the example to measure against.
Guilt and shame comes out in many ways. One of the things that I hear from Jehovah’s Witnesses the most is that when they were in the religion, and even thereafter, they feel like they’re never enough. They themselves are not enough as a human being no matter what they do. It’s a claim that rings true with just about everyone. Again let’s remember that this is a performance based religion with perfectionistic aims. They expect you to be at all of the meetings and if you miss one, even for good reason, you feel guilty. Of course now they have an electronic system by which you can call in and listen even if you’re sick. You really have to be a horrible person not to at least do that, right? Don’t you appreciate the spiritual food prepared for you lovingly by the brothers? Are you starting to see how this works? What do you mean you went with friends to the lake on Saturday instead of going out in field service? Everything you do is under constant scrutiny from other people.
And one of the most damaging things is when we internalize their messaging and start doing it to ourselves. Did you picture that person naked in a sexual way? You’re a terrible person. Jesus said that anyone looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has committed sin in his heart. So now we’re getting to the heart, and that heart is a part of you. Remember guilt is what you do. Shame is about who you are. Now we’re talking about you and who you really are. “The heart is treacherous; who can know it?”, says the Bible. So we learn not to trust our heart, our gut feelings, or even our thoughts by doing so. It was easier to get us to let the organization dictate how we should be.
I think that one of the most damaging impacts the organization has on a person with respect to guilt and shame is in one’s own sexuality. It’s one of the most personal and intimiate and vulnerable aspects of any human being. Masturbation is flat out condemned. They even had talks on it. I had to give one of those talks once, as a teenager. If looking at a woman with lust in one’s heart is horrible, I really feel for any in the organization that was gay. They claimed that it was okay to have gay thoughts, it was just wrong to act on them. To do so would get you disfellowshipped. I knew someone who was gay and committed suicide due to the pain of facing who he was inside the organization. And unfortunately I know that he was not the only one. It’s heartbreaking to know how many people are being shamed for who they are as if it is a choice, as if anyone sat down at the buffet of sexuality and literally chose theirs.
Sex is only to be experienced between married people and the marriage bed is to be kept without defilement. Oral sex, anal sex, anything else deemed aberrant by them could be defiling. This was always a big taboo in the organization and as teens we would search for information in the publications about what the rules were. We had heard things, and of course had no experience. You weren’t going to be disfellowshipped for having oral sex with your spouse (though at one point in history some were). But if you had privileges in the congregation as a ministerial servant or an elder you could actually be removed from your position in the congregation if that was found out somehow. It’s not like they had cameras in people’s bedrooms, but if someone told someone else about it in confidence, it could come to light. I’ve actually heard stories about people that felt so guilty afterward that they self-reported. This can be the subject matter that is openly discussed in talks from the platform with children present. The shame starts early.
Those who are disfellowshipped for serious wrongdoing of whatever type, usually leave in shame – not guilt, but shame at that point. They aren’t condemned merely for their actions. Not being deemed repentant, even if they actually are, speaks as to who they are being judged as at their core. Those three men on their judicial committee and their congregation have decided that they are not sorry and that therefore they’re a danger and unworthy of being around their family and friends. So they are full of shame at that point. Many still feel shame, even decades after leaving. Some commit suicide. Jehovah’s Witnesses have literally shamed some to the point of suicide. The fog sometimes wins even after somebody is kicked out. That is how strong the fog is.
There’s another model that experts use when discussing how a person becomes controlled. I’m not going to spend as much time on it, but I want to put it out there as well, because it’s absolutely relevant. It can be seen in relationships as well as in any kind of abuse.
The BITE Model
It’s called the BITE model, originated by Steven Hassan. Simply, they control your Behavior, your access to Information, what you Think, and how you feel (Emotion). Behavior – Information – Thoughts – Emotions. At that point, you are being abused and in a very unhealthy place. And that is what Jehovah’s Witnesses do.
Now a lot of these things overlap. In other words, something that hits the B might also hit the I or the T or the E in the model. But a good example of all of them is found in a poem that I’m going to read to you. It made the rounds among Jehovah’s Witnesses. In fact I was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses when I discovered this and I was the only person I knew to object to it at the time it was presented. I was still in, but I was waking up and I was just absolutely dumbfounded when I read this. This is sadly indicative of the culture of Jehovah’s Witnesses and how they see other people. So this poem is a warning about a person in the congregation who would fall in love with someone who’s not a Witness and get married to them. This is how they see the world.
……….
The poem is called Marrying Out of the Truth.
HE OR SHE– DOESN’T LOVE JEHOVAH
Marrying out of the Truth: Does it set you free?
I’d like to tell you a story, about true love at last.
It’s very informative and has an interesting cast.
So pay close attention, it’s sad but true,
And don’t ever think this can’t happen to you.
I met him during lunch break on a sunny day,
He sat next to me and smiled, as I was about to pray.
We talked on and on. He was such a gentleman.
I wished that this moment would never end.
Ah, but then it came to be the end of my lunch hour
I tell you when he stood up; he looked just like a tower!
We met again and again. Our souls began to cling.
I pondered in my mind, ‘Is this the REAL thing?’
He doesn’t smoke or drink, or gamble away his money.
He doesn’t do drugs or things like that and he’s nobody’s ‘honey’.
Let’s face it, he’s fine and he’s really got a great ‘bod’.
The only thing that’s missing is he doesn’t serve Jehovah God.
I’ll just give him a chance, he’ll change in time.
I won’t mind being ‘his’, if he’d like to be ‘mine’.
My friends tried to warn me. I didn’t listen or care.
Little did I know my life would be one of despair.
The wedding was fine. The judge married us in the fall.
You see, I couldn’t have a wedding in a Kingdom Hall
My dad, no, he didn’t give me away.
With the pain in his heart, he didn’t have much to say.
Mom listens to me, please don’t cry and whine.
Don’t worry about us, we’ll be just fine.
I’ve got a good man and he has a good job.
The only thing is, he doesn’t serve Jehovah God.
Everything is going fine, but recently at night.
When it’s time for the meeting, we just fuss and fight.
He says, ‘Who’s this God, breaking us apart?
Don’t go tonight dear, please follow your heart.’
So I listen and stay, to keep peace at home.
But now oftentimes, I feel so all-alone.
I don’t associate with the friends much at all,
To keep peace at home, I don’t go to the Hall.
Service and Meetings, all that is history.
Today, I decorated my first Holiday Tree.
The holiday celebrations are now part of my life.
You see, I must obey my husband, for I am his wife.
The brothers would call. I wouldn’t answer the door.
I don’t read the magazines. Reading is such a bore.
Marrying out of the Truth, it really sets you ‘free’.
‘Free’ from Jehovah’s love that once was in me.
I just got the news! I’m having a ‘little one’!
I can hardly wait to tell my dear ‘Hon’.
He was in a bad mood. He lost his job that day.
He told me as he hit me, ‘That’s just one more bill to pay!’
Then he apologized, ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me Dear’
You see, I’ve heard those words more often than I’d like to hear.
I have two jobs now. I must support my household.
My husband says he’ll find work, but now that’s getting old.
I’m tired. I’m stressed. I’m feeling very strange.
My schedule at both jobs, I’ll have to rearrange.
I should be very happy; the baby is due any day.
Things just have to get better, somehow, some way .
I’m married to this man, for better or for worse.
The only problem is, he doesn’t put Jehovah first.
The baby came today, she’s so little and so light.
She’s not crying or making noise, something’s just not right.
‘What could be wrong?’ I thought aloud as I lay in bed.
In came the doctor looking sad, and then he shook his head. ‘
Mrs. Unbeliever,’ he said, ‘there’s something I must confess.’
You and the baby tested positive to the new HIV test.
I started crying. I couldn’t believe the words the doctor said
To know that in a very short time, my child and I’d be dead!
Listen to me! All of you! I’m telling you to your face!
To marry an Unbeliever, is a TOTAL DISGRACE!
To Jehovah, our loving father, who provides for his sheep.
That’s why he sets the guidelines for us to hold and to keep
Wait on Jehovah. In his due time He’ll set things straight.
Be patient and He’ll give you a Theocratic mate.
One who loves Jehovah and you know that he’ll do right.
One who’ll be there with you when it comes to ‘Meeting’ night.
A worldly man has nothing to offer – really nothing at all
But unhappiness, sadness, sorrow, and a very serious fall.
So be wise my Sisters, and please don’t try to rush things.
Wait patiently on Jehovah, and accept the blessings he brings.
Don’t look to worldly men as mates, at your job or at the Mall.
REMEMBER! Brothers that serve Jehovah are at the Kingdom Hall.
……….
So do you see the BITE model there? The behavior control, the information control. This is how you should behave. Don’t marry unbelievers. Information control can be seen in that they are telling you how these people are who are on the outside, shaping your view of them. And then of course, you have the emotional control. They’re painting a picture of this man outside the cult as a wife beater with HIV who is going to cheat on her. This is given as an example of what’s out there in the world apart from the cult. They are gaslighting you by creating a false reality and painting that as the picture that you should accept of the outside world.
I thought I would go ahead and give some snippets of other things that fell into the model and were a part of our daily lives as Jehovah’s Witnesses. I learned to trust no one outside the congregation. I learned that keeping the congregation clean was paramount and that I had to be a judgmental jerk and I wanted to do so because it made me feel like I was special to be that way. I learned to look to the organization for what was right and wrong, how I should think about things, what I should feel, down to what kind of employment and entertainment was okay to involve myself in.
I learned the art of cognitive dissonance and how to shove back my doubts through thought stopping techniques such as the following. “Well everything else they’ve told me is true. So this must be. And who am I to run ahead of Jehovah. There must be a reason for this”. I learned that the good things in life were blessings from Jehovah that had little to do with me, but bad things are my fault. I learned that education isn’t important unless it comes from their organization. I learned to be different and proud of it to the point where I felt special in a twisted way. I looked down on outsiders. I’m not proud of that. I learned that ultimately everything in life came back to serving the organization. Recreation was acceptable only because it recharged our batteries so that we could serve organizational interests more wholeheartedly.
I learned that this is the worst time in human history and that things are more urgent now than ever, through their twisted facts and stories. I’ve since learned that I’d rather live now as opposed to, oh I don’t know, ending up in a Roman Coliseum or at some point in the Crusades or suffering from some awful plague. But I digress.
I learned that my clothes should make me blend into a crowd and lack any personality, never standing out or detracting from the message which was the most important thing. I learned that facial hair was allowed only as long as it was a mustache only and that the ends of the mustache must not descend past the corners of my mouth. I learned that tattoos were bad. I learned that a sister wearing a large shiny pretty brooch on stage was bad because that was attracting unnecessary attention to her. I actually heard that counsel from the platform.
I learned that a person wouldn’t want to put their arm around the person that they were dating at the Kingdom Hall because you might make a single person without a mate feel bad. I learned that getting married in and of itself is a bad idea, unless of course you absolutely had to in order to express your sexual urges. But you could do more for the organization if you weren’t married. I learned that having kids in this world was probably an unnecessary burden because if the end came and along with it some persecution, those kids are going to be a liability. I learned to rejoice on some level when catastrophe struck such as a natural disaster, because it was a sign of the times and proved that our deliverance was near.
I learned that when any news came out that was negative about Jehovah’s Witnesses I was to avoid it because it was nothing more than Satanic lies. Of course if positive media came out I was to take that in and see how wonderful the organization was. Satan’s media only lies on one side of things, apparently, somehow also extolling the virtues of the organization. I learned that I should be friends with or associate with only people that thought and believed and felt exactly as I did. Nobody builds narcissists quite like Jehovah’s Witnesses. I learned that wishing someone good luck was bad, as well saying bless you after a sneeze, as both had spiritistic origins. I learned not to say “you too” when someone wished me a Merry Christmas at a store. I couldn’t say Merry Christmas back. But even saying “you too” was basically saying Merry Christmas. So I learned to say thank you. It’s so ridiculous.
I learned that dating was only for the purpose of marriage and that what really mattered in a mate was finding someone “spiritual”, by their definition. Someone that went to all the meetings and studied their Watchtower magazine and that commented at meetings. I learned that those were the important things in a married life. On the other side I learned that divorce was only acceptable on the grounds of adultery. One could be separated for something like severe abuse but that’s about it. If a couple divorced and it wasn’t for adultery, neither was free to remarry unless the other admitted to having sex with someone else or married them, thus breaking the original marriage vows. Failure to comply could lead to disfellowshipping. I learned that the Internet was dangerous. I was told ridiculous things like just typing the letter P into the search bar could flood your computer with pornography. They stoked fear of the internet for many years. I later learned that the internet is just fine now, as long as you go to their internet – their official website. In fact you need to use it now that they have one and you also must consume all the propaganda videos that they now produce. I learned that televangelists were all evil. But now that Jehovah’s Witnesses have their own J.W. Broadcasting Channel I’ve learned that such things are okay after all. I learned that dinosaur bones were put there by the devil to throw off seekers of truth from finding God because the Bible doesn’t say anything about dinosaurs. On that note I learned that carbon dating is completely flawed and that evolution is as well, because if we came from monkeys then there should be no more monkeys, along with other flawed explanations skewed to make the point that they wanted to make.
Ultimately I learned to be a horrible and ignorant human being lacking any empathy, and in the end I hated myself.
You have just received a master class on how to control, manipulate, dominate, and destroy the lives of others. You can start your own cult if you wish. I don’t recommend it though. I think eventually you believe your own lies and manipulation and get just as wrapped up in it as the people you victimize. That’s what I see in the leadership of the organization of Jehovah’s Witnesses today.
Next I’m going to get into how all of these things specifically informed my life as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses from the time my parents started studying and into adulthood and married life and add more of my story into it. You’ll see how I went from a young Jehovah’s Witness in the 1980s to the year of 2008 when yet another strange moment started changing my entire life. This time the change would be for the better and toward a healthy course.